The trouble with being queer, even (or especially) for a celibate one like me, is that we fear, idolize and sentimentalize young men. I've been subscribed on YouTube to "WeeklyChris" for about two years now. He is 19 years old, not terribly bright (his vocabulary seems limited to "awesome" and "dude," but, let's be honest, when you look that good, you don't need to know anything), but he seems to be a genuinely good person. In other words, he is my complete opposite. Whereas I am puritanical, hateful and publicly shy, I am overwhelmed by his liberality and confidence. But my attraction belies everything I have said against the modern world. He has his ears pierced, his teeth are as white as snow, he styles his hair and evidently exceeds the traditionally masculine limits of grooming and albeit I have said heretofore that beauty is a complete waste of time, he is beautiful. I cannot see, however, that he has the least physical individuality that would make him desirable, or even interesting. Do you see the difficulty? I have become enamoured in spite of myself and other than the obvious problem of our common masculinity the attraction exemplifies the fundamental hypocrisy of puritanism, at least that of my own fashioning. I continue to subscribe to his channel despite the fact that I haven't the least interest in what he has to say, but I enjoy hearing it. This is perhaps because I inhabit a world of make-believe. An older queen said to me recently, after I had concluded a cynical diatribe against homosexuality: "you need a man." Well, probably. If that would preserve me in godliness, but that begs the question. Is dreaming of what might be, or might have been, worse than living in sin? To some they are the same thing.
I realise I am a fool for publishing this but this is the way that I am. I wouldn't want you to think that I was ashamed.
UPDATE: Subscription removed on the afternoon of the 28th May.