The trouble with being queer, even (or especially) for a celibate one like me, is that we fear, idolize and sentimentalize young men. I've been subscribed on YouTube to "WeeklyChris" for about two years now. He is 19 years old, not terribly bright (his vocabulary seems limited to "awesome" and "dude," but, let's be honest, when you look that good, you don't need to know anything), but he seems to be a genuinely good person. In other words, he is my complete opposite. Whereas I am puritanical, hateful and publicly shy, I am overwhelmed by his liberality and confidence. But my attraction belies everything I have said against the modern world. He has his ears pierced, his teeth are as white as snow, he styles his hair and evidently exceeds the traditionally masculine limits of grooming and albeit I have said heretofore that beauty is a complete waste of time, he is beautiful. I cannot see, however, that he has the least physical individuality that would make him desirable, or even interesting. Do you see the difficulty? I have become enamoured in spite of myself and other than the obvious problem of our common masculinity the attraction exemplifies the fundamental hypocrisy of puritanism, at least that of my own fashioning. I continue to subscribe to his channel despite the fact that I haven't the least interest in what he has to say, but I enjoy hearing it. This is perhaps because I inhabit a world of make-believe. An older queen said to me recently, after I had concluded a cynical diatribe against homosexuality: "you need a man." Well, probably. If that would preserve me in godliness, but that begs the question. Is dreaming of what might be, or might have been, worse than living in sin? To some they are the same thing.
I realise I am a fool for publishing this but this is the way that I am. I wouldn't want you to think that I was ashamed.
UPDATE: Subscription removed on the afternoon of the 28th May.
Two points: (1) We frequently *enjoy* the unindulged aspects of ourselves in their over-indulgence by others. "Whereas I am ... I am overwhelmed by his liberality and confidence." This enjoyment, which may be quite substantial, is often mistaken for attraction. (2) The *force* of this projected attitude is directly proportional to his protected status as an extended adolescent. His 'views' are completely in line with those of the age, and totally untested by reality. What could he offer to, say, Antigone or Aeneas beyond "dude"?
ReplyDeletePrecisely. In videos other than the one posted he advocates being oneself, &c. I expect what he doesn't realize is that he is himself indistinguishable from other adolescents his age, who also listen to the same music, wear the same Bohemian clothes, &c. Whereas someone like me, an individual, goes about the routine of daily living in the name of the fact that he is unique, untouchable in most respects by the modern world, with Chris, it's so much easier; being attractive, charming and like everyone else. This makes his advice and worldview seem shallow at best, albeit given in the best intention for his audience.
DeleteOf course, I don't know him and doubt I shall ever see him in the flesh so in the highly unlikely event that he is reading this the least I can do is suspend judgement on his character.
Patricius, why is beauty a waste of time? (I am sorry if you have posted about it before and I missed it. If that is not too bothersome, can you give me the link(s)?)
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think that you describe yourself in a very gloomy way... You over estimate your intellect and you under estimate your personality... (I hope saying that is not impolite).
Readers need never worry about being impolite!
DeleteI don't think I devoted a whole post to beauty. I suppose what I mean by beauty, in this sense at any rate, is the kind of excessive grooming to which men have, since some time in the 20th century, been subject. My father once told me that only two kinds of men get their ears pierced, "pansies and gypsies." But now lots of young men get both their ears pierced. I can't understand why. Quentin Crisp discusses the shifting boundaries of masculinity and femininity in The Naked Civil Servant and says that the affectations he once adopted to express his sexual type have now become national costume for young people. And that was almost fifty years ago. Think what he would say now!
This post grabs me a little. In my life, I have tended not to bother very much or even enough about appearance. Growing my hair long has done me good, because it does need quite a lot of care. There are excesses of negligence and self-pampering. In medio stat virtus.
ReplyDeleteWhy did you unsubscribe?
ReplyDeleteA lot of reasons. The most obvious to me would be lust and envy but there are others. I strive everyday not to indulge in these sins of the flesh and to remember that Christ's own countenance is fairer than any other. In any case it doesn't do to be absorbed in the kind of gratuitous self-idolatry and vanity of the internet celebrity. All young men in the public eye are exactly alike so what is the use in supporting them? I don't wish young Christian Collins ill, far from it, but we are worlds apart, and sometimes I think it would be better if I hadn't found his channel.
Delete